The other day Ben came into our bedroom around 5:30 or 6:00 a.m. As he rushed past our bed, he said, "I'm sorry I'm so late, mom.  I'll go to the bathroom and then I'll be right back to snuggle."  What a funny guy!  I guess he thought I had been waiting all night for him to come in and snuggle.  I do love his snuggles but it just struck me as funny.  When he climbed in bed, he said, "I've been thinking mom that I'm going to try and have a more positive attitude today.  I feel like I've been bad and I want to be more positive."  This was all VERY early in the morning and from an 8 year old.  I know I wasn't thinking that "deeply" at 8 yrs. old.  He says things every day that just make my jaw drop and take a "double-take".  

 Just before Christmas, I wrote a letter to Elder W. and I wanted to remember my thoughts so I will record them here.

This has been a very interesting time.  With finances tighter than we are normally used to, we have quite severely curtailed our Christmas gift giving, but we all seem quite ok with it.  It’s been interesting to think about what is really important and all the things that we are truly grateful for.  I thought I would share a few of them with you. 

1.  I am SOOOOO grateful for a son who is worthy and willing to serve a mission for our Heavenly Father.  You are an amazing example to many, but most especially to our family.  There have been many who have spoken to me about the wonderful young man that you are and how much they enjoy getting to experience your mission through your emails and letters.  I am grateful for your willingness to sacrifice your time and money to serve. 

2.  I am grateful for a loving family, both immediate and extended.  My husband and my children give me great joy, indeed.  Each of you give amazing hugs and kisses and freely offer your “I Love Yous”.  I could not have chosen a better family to go through this life with. 

3.  I am grateful for saving ordinances, but most especially for the sealing power in the temple.  To have been able to receive my endowments and then to kneel across the altar from your father, and make those covenants with him and with the Lord, and to be able to start an eternal family that day, is one of my most valued treasures.  I want to live worthy so that I can experience even greater joy when we are able to be together forever.

4.  I am grateful for good friends.  During these times of financial challenges, we have been reminded of the level of generosity of those dear friends.  Over the past week, we have received numerous gift cards  for Safeway or Trader Joe’s or K-Marrt or cash anonymously left on our doorstep or sent by mail with no return address.  It has been incredibly heartwarming and humbling to experience the generosity of others. 

5.  I am grateful for the restored gospel.  I can’t imagine what my life would be like without the knowledge, limited though it might be, of the principles and blessings that we receive from our membership in His church.  

6.  I am grateful for a  living prophet on the earth today.  I’m grateful for Joseph Smith and his desire to find out for himself at such a young age what church taught the complete truth.  I’m grateful for the persecution that he and the early saints endured to bring forth the gospel so that I might be able to participate more fully in the blessings of the restored gospel.  I am also grateful that the Lord continues to have a living prophet on the earth today. 

7.  I am grateful for my Savior and his sacrifice for me and all mankind.  Someone who was willing to pay a heavy price for my mistakes and slip-ups and to experience my sorrows and tribulations, just so I could have the opportunity to come back to live with him and my Father; and not only for me but for all mankind.  I am also grateful for a Heavenly Father and Mother who were willing to allow their dearly beloved son to go and be our Savior.  What heartache they must have felt to allow that to happen.

Those are just a few of the things that I am most grateful for.  I love you more than words can express and I want nothing more than to wrap my arms around you and show you how much you are loved but I will save up every single one of those hugs and kisses so that I can give them all to you upon your return.  

 It's been a while but my thoughts have been so jumbled lately that I couldn't sort them out.  There has been a lot of craziness and hatred in California lately due to the passing of Prop 8 and it has become increasingly more uncomfortable to live in this area.  LOTS of hatred and mean-spirited actions.  I won't go more into that except to say that it has been uncomfortable and it has been a time when I have really begun to think about not really wanting to live here anymore.

I have been on an emotional roller coaster lately due to a level of uncertainty in my life.  Uncertainty with employment, where to live, children leaving the "nest" and such crazy happenings.  Some are good.  In fact, I'm sure it will all be good when the dust settles, but right now it's just uncertainty.  

We had a speaker in sacrament meeting on Sunday that I absolutely loved.  The theme was a "mighty change of heart".  She quoted from Chieko Okazaki's book "Lighten Up".  It has been many years since I read this book so I came home and reread the excerpts that she quoted from.  I thought I would share them here.

She says, referring to Moroni 10:32, we’ll be “perfect in Christ”.  She tthen quotes from Revelations 3:20, where Jesus says, “Behold, I stand at the door, and knock:  if any man hear my voice and open the door, I will come in to him, and will sup with him, and he with me.” 

Isn’t that a breathtaking idea?  If we want to go to Christ, the door is open and nothing can bar our way.  But if Christ wants to come to us, he comes to the door.  He stands patiently on the doorstep, knocking, hoping that we will hear him calling, hoping that we will open the door.  The door to him is always open.  But the door to us is not open.  We have to choose to open it.

What keeps that door closed?  A lot of things do.  Sometimes we feel ashamed that aren’t already perfect; we don’t understand that we can’t be perfect unless it’s in Christ . . .

How we pour guilt over ourselves!

We know that one some level Jesus experienced the totality of mortal existence in Gethsemane.  It ‘s our faith that he experienced everything – absolutely everything.  Sometimes we don’t think through the implications of that belief.  We talk in great generalities about the sins of all humankind, about the suffering of the entire human family.  But we don’t experience pain in generalities.  We experience it individually.  That means Jesus knows what it felt like when your mother died of cancer – how it was for your mother, how it still is for you.  He knows what it felt like to lose the student body election.  He knows that moment when the brakes locked, and the car started to skid.  He experienced the slave ship sailing from Ghana toward Virginia.  He experienced the gas chambers of Dachau.  He experienced napalm in Vietnam.  He knows about drug addition and alcoholism. 

On a profound level, he understands about pregnancy and giving birth.  He knows about PMS and cramps and menopause.  He understands about rape and infertility and abortion.

His last recorded words to his disciples were, “And, lo, I am with you always, even unto the end of the world.” (Matt. 28:20)  What does that mean?  It means he understands your mother-pain when your five-year old leaves for kindergarten, when a bully picks on your fifth-grader, when your daughter calls to say that the new baby has Down’s syndrome.  He knows your mother-rage when a trusted babysitter sexually abuses your two-year-old, when someone gives your thirteen-year-old drugs, when someone seduces your seventeen-year-old.  He knows the pain you live with when you come home to a quiet apartment where the only children who ever come are visitors, when you hear that your former husband and his new wife were sealed in the temple last week, when your fiftieth wedding anniversary rolls around and your husband has been dead for two years.  He knows all that.  He’s been there.  He’s been lower than all that. 

So do you really think you’re shielding him by keeping the door closed while you’re throwing paper plates on the table and sending Chrissie off to wash her hands for the second time?  Do you really think he doesn’t know?  Doesn’t understand?  Wouldn’t laugh and help?

But he’ll stay in that room if you put him there.  The door to him is always open, but the door to you can be closed and stay closed – if you choose to close it.  If one great constant in the universe is the unfailing love of the Savior, the other great constant is his unfailing respect for human agency.  He will not override your will, even for your own good.  He will not compel you to accept his help.  He will not force you to accept his companionship.  He laves you free to choose.

I beg you to open the door and let him out of that room.  Give him your whole heart, all the pieces, and let him heal you.” 

It's so real.  I think that is why it is so powerful for me.  When I'm caught up in my own misery, it's hard to remember that he has great empathy because he has experienced it all, every tear or panic attack and so much more.  I must remember to give him my heart, all the pieces and let him heal me.  That's why he paid the price, right?  Stop thinking "am I worthy enough, am I good enough, am I just enough?"  I am battered and bruised and just plain weary some days but if I can give all that I am, I have to trust that he will make up the difference and it will be enough.

Last week was a very busy week.  I want to acknowledge some of the things that happened lest I forget them.

On Thursday, we had a culmination event at the elementary school I work at  and where Benji attends school.  Let me explain.  Every year, the school librarian chooses a book that will be the Community Book Read for the year, kind of like the Book of the Month, except it is for the year. The PTA purchases a copy of said book for every child in school and all the staff.  They are given about six weeks to read the book, there are usually some activities during that time.  Most of the classes in school read the book aloud in class so that every child gets the chance to have "read" the book and then at the end of the six week period, there is a big activity night celebrating the conclusion of the book read.  Lots of fun!  This year, however, the author was flown in to participate in the culmination event.  It was wonderful.  The kids were so excited to meet her and she autographed every book that night (at least those who came the event).  There were probably at least 200 people there.  The book was entitled The Seven Wonders of Sassafras Springs.  The book is about a young boy, Eben, who has read about the seven wonders of the world and is bemoaning the fact that he lives in "nowhere's ville" when his dad challenges him to find the seven wonders of Sassafras Springs (their town) in seven days.  He begins his search rather skeptical but soon really gets into the discovery of each and every wonder.  Anyway, it was a lot of fun.  

Saturday was our annual Trunk-R-Treat for the two wards in town.  Lots of fun and candy.  Lots of visiting, too.  Great fun!

On Sunday, we said good-bye to the Browns in our ward.  They are moving to South Carolina.  We had a farewell get-together at the Harmons.  It was wonderful.  Lots of people from our ward just getting together and visiting.  We need to do that more often.  Six or seven or more years ago I was the Activity Chairperson for our ward and I was charged with having a ward activity every week to foster good will and friendship.  We've lost some of that lately, I think.  It's wonderful just to visit and get to know each other better outside of the church in a more casual atmosphere.  It's easier to be friends then.  Anyway, it was a nice way to end the weekend.  

Today I sent our 1st package to Elder W.  It should arrive the same day he does.  I hope he enjoys it.  We also got a letter from him today.  Silly boy mentioned that he got his flight plans a few days ago but failed to mention in his letter what those plans were.  I must remind that boy that of the talents I possess, I am not a mind reader.  I must confess though, that I checked the Delta Airlines website yesterday for flights leaving SLC and heading to Dulles on his departure date.  I think I found the flight he will probably be on.  Gigiss teasingly asked me if I had checked for webcams at Dulles International.  HA HA  Maybe I'll go check that now.

One final thing.  We got a new Elder in our ward yesterday.  His name is Elder DimDim.  Ben kept calling him Elder Pompom or Elder Dumdum.  We must work on that before Sunday.  How embarrassing would that be if he shook his hand and called him Elder DumDum.  

 I've got to get better about writing more regularly.  We had a busy weekend with stake conference and such.  

On Saturday morning, Sister D. and I went back to the temple to participate in the endowment session of a recently baptized member of our ward, Sis. Jacobs.  It was wonderful to be there with several other members of our ward.  While we were seated in the chapel waiting for the session to begin, Sis. G. Ball, a former member of our ward, appeared and sat with us.  It was wonderful to see her again and to chat a bit.  

At the conclusion of the session, Sis. D. and I quickly made our departure for home.  We had an interesting discussion on the way home about how we would choose our career path.  What were some types of careers that would make us happy.  She has her degree in Accounting and loathes it.  It is a means to provide income for their family, but it is certainly not enjoyable.  I, on the other hand, have not completed my degree as of yet.  I have a desire to do so but I want to think carefully about the direction I want to take before plowing forward without thinking it through.  I've come to the realization that I enjoy helping others.  I'm not a 9 to 5 cubicle sort of girl.  When we lived in Los Angeles, I worked at a cancer center for almost three years.  That was the most rewarding job I have ever had.  I felt that I could make a difference in the lives of others.  Sometimes it just meant that I held their hand and tried to comfort them when they were scared.  I remember one patient in particular who was deathly afraid of needles, but she needed regular chemotherapy treatments.  So, each time she received chemo, I would sit on the bed with her and hold her hand to try and distract her.  Sometimes I spent a few minutes with her and sometimes it was a couple of hours.  I genuinely felt that I was helping her and making a difference.  

I currently work in the special education office for a local school district.  Most of my job is consumed with making sure all the paperwork is in order.  Not the most fulfilling job, but yet I am appreciated by the teachers and therapists for whom I make sure their paperwork is correct and complete.  I've considered recently about getting my AA degree as a Speech Pathology Assistant.  I think some of my courses that I took at BYU a century ago will still transfer and I could get an AA degree ratherly quickly and work in the field to see if I would really enjoy it and if I did, I could go on to get a bachelor's degree in Speech Pathology and Communication Disorders.  How can I continue to tout the importance of a college education when I didn't complete my degree.  I guess it's time to put my money where my mouth is, huh!

Yesterday was absolutely wonderful. We finally got a letter from Elder Wasden. Gigiss called me on my cell phone as I was leaving work, and since I was driving, I gave the phone to Benji to answer. He was so excited and said that we needed to hurry home because there was a letter from Elder Wasden. But, since we were in route to the post office ourselves to mail a rather large envelope to Elder W., we were delayed a little while.

His handwriting doesn't seem to be as small as it usually is. He said he was getting along rather well with his companion, Elder M. from Colorado. He said Elder M. is a big, rather soft-spoken person, but with a wonderful wit. He indicated that he felt they could have a wonderful friendship once they got to know each other. That's something I have always prayed for.

When BeisBeis was growing up, there were not very many guys who were like him. He had a close friend through elementary school, but as they entered junior high and high school, they sort of went their separate ways. I have longed for him to have a good friend, a close confidante. When he went away to college, I think he got a taste of that kind of friend.  He made friends that included him in their activities, but not one or two very close friends that he could share his innermost thoughts with. Someone he could really turn to in a crisis.  I hope that he will find such a friend, maybe even on his mission.  I think everyone needs a friend like that.  A bosom buddy, as Anne Shirley (from Green Gables) would say.

It's been a whole week since we dropped Elder Wasden off at the MTC.  I can't believe it's already been a week.  The past couple of days have been easier, emotionally speaking, as I've settled back into my normal routine.  I'm grateful for that.  I'm sure there will be emotional days ahead, but I'm grateful to be a "missionary mom".  I've joined a wonderful club.  

* * * * * * * * * * * * 
I was standing next to Benji this morning waiting for school to start, and I suddenly realized, I think he has grown at least 2 inches since school started a month and a half ago.  He's probably grown at least six or seven inches in the past year or so.  I'm sure he will be our tall one.  I'm the same height now (barely 5' tall) as I was when I was ten years old.  I just can't comprehend that kind of extended growth spurts.

I work with a woman who is probably 6'4".  She and I were talking today at lunch about height.  She said she was 5'4" in the 3rd grade and she continued to steadily add at least 2" a year to her height for a number of years after that.  I just can't wrap my brain around that.  I have no personal experience with that.  I never dated anyone over 6' tall because it was just too awkward.  I remember dancing with a good friend at a youth conference one time.  He was 6'5".  He would either pick me up so I dangled above the floor or have me stand in a folding chair to be able to reach him.  Either way it was complete humiliation for me.  

Gigiss is almost exactly one foot taller than me.  As Baby Bear would have said, "Just right!"

The past few days, actually weeks, or maybe even months, have been an incredibly emotional time for me. More than at any other time in my life that I can remember. Let me explain. I love, love, love being a mom. It is what I was meant to be.

I remember in the month or two before I got pregnant with the twins and how much I wanted a baby. I loved my husband so much and I just wanted to have a child with him. At that point, we had been married, almost three years, and we felt like we were ready. He would be in his last semester in college when he or she would be born and, somewhat idealistically, I thought our life would be perfect. We would have A baby, he would graduate and we would have some fabulous high-paying job that would allow me to stay home full-time and just be a mom. Well, we had twins, Steve graduated from college but couldn't find a job right away so I went back to work full-time. As he found full-time work, I began to cut back my hours to be at home more with our kids.

I loved playing with them, singing to them, reading to them, etc. I cried with them when they skinned their knees or when someone hurt their feelings. I cheered when they accomplished something difficult or challenging. As more children came along, they added to my joy. Each one of them is different; different hair color, different eye color, different personality, different heights and sizes; but I love them each dearly.

Then they began to grow up and go to Junior High and then High School. Even then, when I would drop them off at a band concert, or a football game or just at school or a friend's house, they would still kiss me goodbye or tell me that they loved me, even in front of their friends. Not just Allie, but my boys, too. How many kids still do that at that age? Now, let me assure you that we still had heated exchanges at times and the infamous "rolling of the eyes" when they didn't agree with something I had just said. When they were little, I used to read the little book, I'll Love You Forever, at bedtime and every single time I would end up crying when I would read, "I'll love you forever, I'll like you for always, as long as I'm living, my baby you'll be".  

Then the when the twins began their senior year in high school, I began to realize how little time remained where my children would still be in our home.  Then, last year, when Chris went off to college, some 800 miles away, I missed him terribly.  He would log on to video chat with me and then when he needed to do his homework, he would mute the sound and I would just sit there and watch him do his homework.  It was almost like I could just reach out and touch him.  I know that sounds pathetic, but I just missed him so much.  

Then over the past few months as he was preparing for his mission, I was so excited and so sad at the same time.  I would say to myself, "what is wrong with you isn't this what you wanted?"  The answer is, of course, this is what I wanted for him.  He has been preparing all of his life for this experience.  He has such an enormous heart.  He is kind, compassionate, full of love, humble. . .  The list could go on and on.  The people of Northern Virginia who are searching for the gospel, will be able to see his sincerity and his love for them.  He has a sweet, humble testimony of the Savior's love for each of us.  I'm sure he will be able to touch the lives of some that otherwise wouldn't be touched.  

I will miss him terribly, especially his big bear hugs.  I will pray for strength and I will better myself while he is gone so when he returns he will see a change in my countenance as I'm sure I will see a change in his.  I am proud to be his mother and I am pleased with his decision to serve the Lord.

God speed, Elder Wasden. . until we meet again.  I'll love you forever, I'll like you for always, as long as I'm living my baby you'll be . . . Mom

 Wow!  My family and friends have been encouraging me for several years to open a LiveJournal account but until now I have resisted. I felt that my journal entries were so mundane and unimportant.  But, now that I have a full-time missionary serving, and my emotions are very close to the surface all the time, I want to document and remember these feelings.  

I've always loved reading my husband's journals and my kids, as well, but just never felt that my entries would measure up.  Dumb, I know.  This is all about me, not anyone else, right?

Anyway, now I will make the effort to make those entries real and honest.  So here goes . . .